I am a mother of two children. Isaiah just turned 11. He is the man of the house and takes care of his mom and little sister. He is also learning French at school and is a baller like his dad. London is 8 and is a lover of many things, but she is following in the footsteps of her mom with dance. They definitely march to the beat of their own drums.
I have recently become a single mom and learning to master my new life I've been thrown into. The most therapeutic thing I enjoy doing is writing, especially about experiences in my life and the many new things I am learning. My life is passing me by so quick, this blog is a way to slow it down and to remind my kids and I of our memories together. This is my journey, welcome aboard. This is my Second Act.
Today marks a huge milestone. No longer are the days where I take my kids to the same school and know that they are going in together as a team. No longer are the days where I know my son is going to watch over his sister, or that his sister can go find him if she has a problem. I remember when I was pregnant with London thinking, one day they will be in separate schools but I won't need to worry about that for a long time. Uhhhh the time is now. The years have passed and we are at this point already.
I walked Isaiah in to his jr high school. I saw his face was nervous but not wanting to show it. He didn't know where his locker was. He didn't know where his homeroom was. I literally had to go help him find his locker and open it. I saw so many 7th graders with big scared eyes looking up at me asking for my help. I left the school and knew the rest was up to him. Now all day I am thinking about how each class is going. On pins and needles waiting to hear.
London went to her school and was all alone. No older sibling to turn to. I felt sad! She was one of the tallest in her class. Stop growing beautiful girl.
So blessed to have the most perfect children. Yes they fight. Yes they drive me crazy, but they are perfectly imperfect.
Now onto 2017- 2018 school year.
XOXO-
This week was an emotional week for us. I walked into the week having no clue what I was getting myself into. I knew Isaiah had basketball try outs for a competitive team in the city and that it would be with all his friends from the year before and at school. From what I understood beforehand, there would be two teams and most of the players would make it to one of the teams. So I wasn’t that worried. Well when I picked Isaiah up from his tryouts on Monday night, he had a red and sweaty face. He looked like he had worked his little fanny off. He got in the car and I saw tears in his eyes. He seemed worried. The coaches said that if you got an email, that meant you didn’t make either of the teams. So all night Isaiah kept asking if I received an email. So I took him to school and he was just not himself. I got to work and opened my email so I would immediately be notified the minute I would get an email. I was so worried. I prayed to Heavenly Father that this would work out for him. He wanted it so bad. Every time I would hear or see that there was a new message, my stomach would turn. I would look and it would be some junk or spam messages. So with each message and as the time would get further and further into the day, I would get a little more hope for him.
At noon I opened “the email” and immediately my heart dropped. How am I going to tell him? That is one of the most hard conversations to have with your children. Yes, it’s not the end of the world and I could think of harder things to deal with, but to your child, this is their whole world and their self esteem is wrapped up all in this try out. Especially knowing ALL of his friends made the team. Tears dropped the rest of the day. I had a hard time focusing the rest of the day at work. I had to tell my son he didn’t make the team when all of his friends did. I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking for help that I would know the best way to tell him, that I could be strong for him, and that Isaiah would be in a good position to hear it. I watched the clock get closer to school getting out and my nerves were shot.
I was outside of the school in my car as I heard the bell and watched the kids rush out all playing and laughing. Isaiah was out quickly and got in the car with a big smile on his face, but almost holding back his nervousness. He said “Mom, my day got better. I can’t wait to tell you the big news.” I am thinking, WHAT??? He said, “I got told I got put into the SEM program today.” My eyes filled with tears and I was shocked. (The SEM program is something both my kids have always wanted so bad. It’s a group of kids with the better grades that are entitled to get out of class once a week to do fun activities. I never thought my kids would ever be in this group.). How did Heavenly Father not prep this for me and him perfectly? For him to find out he made SEM the ONE day he was going to find out pretty sad news, just blew my mind. I had no doubt that this was one of his tender mercies for us this day. I gave Isaiah a huge hug and told him how proud I was of him. He then looked up at me with his big hopeful eyes, we both knew what question was going to come next. “Mom, did you get an email?” I sat there for a second looking forward at the car in front of us, still waiting for London to get in the car. “Yes honey, I did. I am so sorry.” I watched him silently cry for a good 4 minutes. I tried hugging him but he was so still. It was heartbreaking. We had a good conversation about how as hard as this was, what an amazing opportunity it was that he got into SEM and Student Council and how he should be proud of himself. I dropped him off at art class and he had such a cute smile on his face. I watched him grow that day. He picked himself up and kept his head held high. I am so blessed. This was a good learning experience for the both of us. I thank Heavenly Father for helping
us that day… my boys future is so bright.
This is the art piece he came out with that day. So proud of his talents and his ability to pick himself up after he falls.
I was really worried that since I am no longer a stay at home mom and I could wake up and my focus was merely just spending the day with my kids. So now that I work, things have changed quite a bit. Luckily I am able to work early in the morning so that I can get off early and have the rest of the day to be with the kids and enjoy our summer. Yesterday was a great day. We were able to go to the Natural History Museum and really learn quite a bit. It was fun to see Isaiah's brain like a sponge with all the education we were getting by being there.
Then afterwards we went to an old cafeteria style placed called the Lion House. The kids loved and laughed probably the whole lunch and I am sure they were laughing at me. But I enjoyed just watching them laugh regardless of what they were laughing at. lol. Later in the evening, we rode our bikes to the Farmer's Market by our home. Spent an hour there. Got home and watched a movie at home. I felt fulfilled after creating so many memories in just 12 hours. These kids are my happy place. They both are my best friends and I really enjoy them in every way. Can't wait to see what else we will do together this summer.
I am so proud of this kid. It's not easy to put yourself out there and "trying out" for student council at Odyssey Elementary. He needed two different Letters of Recommendation from people that are outside of the family. On his own he chose his Scout Master and our Bishop in our ward. I didn't want to be doing this for him. I wanted him to learn to ask for these things on his own. I listened to him make one of the calls requesting that he would be willing to write this for him. He handled himself so well. Here are the two letters that were written for him:
Just like mentioned in these letters, Isaiah handles himself very well with adults and can carry on a conversation with them very easily. I really believe he would do a fantastic job at being a leader. As a mother, it's so hard to watch him go through this process cause you don't want their little fragile hearts hurt. I have tried explaining to him that this is all a learning process and no matter what, there will always be new adventures just like this. Today is the day he meets with the board and is interviewed for the position. I took them to school today and Jake had him dressed so adorable. I actually saw a little piece of paper that he was holding and reading. On it was a few different columns and above it said "What I do well" and another "What things I could bring to the position" . When I saw this, he realized and quickly folded it up and put it away. I was really in awe of my little dude. He had sat down and taken the time to make these lists. I wish I had a picture of it for memory purposes but I will never forget that cute little list. There is no doubt he would be a great leader, if he doesn't make it, I know that he can try out again for another position and no matter what will help others at some point.
Last week after London was being a little stinker and she actually got out of the car to go to school without giving me a kiss and saying she loved me, I thought it was time to spontaneously pick her up from school for lunch and to have a little one on one time. It was amazing to see the change in her attitude after having that little bit of quality time. So after that day, I recommitted to doing this once a month with each child.
So today Isaiah had a little cute reminder alarm set on my phone while I was at work and it popped up saying, "Order Papa John's, come pick me up from school. And yes I really want to go." I thought that was so cute cause he knows how my mind works and I usually question myself thinking he would rather stay at school with his friends. So after the reminder, I did exactly like. Ordered Papa John's, picked him up, we went home and enjoyed some conversation and some funny tv. It is so fun to see each kid in that light of being alone and seeing how cute their personalities are. I appreciate that they still enjoy being with their mom. Isaiah is such a bright child. He knows WAY more than I ever did at his age. I really don't ever have to worry about him with most things. He is a little too wise beyond his years. He has an adorable smile that is contagious, and has the best personality. We have the exact same sense of humor and it is easy to enjoy time with him.
I hope to keep this up. I know that if my mom would have done something like this growing up, I would look forward to it every month. As much as I don't want to be one of those mom's, I'm going to say it- my kids definitely are my best friends. Knowing they go with their dad this weekend, makes me hold on tighter and not want to let go.
So this weekend, my kids and I got up on Sunday and decided instead of going to church we were going to enjoy the day together and do a few things we hadn't done in a while. I asked them where they wanted to go for brunch. We used to do this quite a bit with their dad before the divorce so there was a feeling of routine and something comfortable about it yet it definitely felt new and different. It felt different to be the one steering the ship, or the captain as most people would say. We went over to a quaint & local ma & pa shop. While sitting outside while waiting to be seated, it was an idea time to people watch. Lots of young college kids getting together after a night of drinking, a few young families, and as I looked around, I was the only single mom. There was a sense of entitlement as I looked around thinking, look at me go. I am finally at that stage where I am an independent mom and my kids are old enough to not throw a tantrum at the table when they don't have crayons for them to color on the menu. I am finally that mom that is having a fun light hearted conversation with her kids and there seems to be some laughing going on. I remember being that young mom thinking how nice it looked to be in that place and hoped one day that I could be "that" mom. As I was enjoying the moment and my current cool mom status, I looked up at this very good looking couple that looked like they were pulled right out of a hip catalogue. Unfortunately it kinda ruined my proud moment and changed it immediately to a place of pity and feeling sorry for myself. Watching the way they were holding hands, with both of them wearing their flip flops and sunglasses, entangling their legs while sitting on the bench. I couldn't help but think about their night before.. drinking with some friends and having some dinner and after going back to their apartment just to watch a movie and make love while they cuddled all night and wake up to go get brunch. Now I am usually not a hopeless romantic, I get that it doesn't usually go that perfect, and if it happened to be perfect that night, it usually is followed by breaking up the next week, but that didn't matter to me then. It made me start feeling lonely and missing a man grabbing my hand or putting my hair behind my ear cause it was in my face. Or waking up together and having the rest of the day to talk and grab coffee.
Now coming back to reality, I was super grateful to be there with kids that love me and will always be my best friends. I know that somehow one day there will be a time that I have that man by my side (I sure hope so), but whatever the reason, it's not time for him. It's time for my kids. It's time to get to know them and myself. To be the three musketeers and really enjoy our new dynamic and new bond. It will not always be like this, and one day I will wish I could go back to this time. So I am trying to enjoy and really take each tender moment not to just be BY them, but be WITH them.
Yesterday was a special day. A day to honor our mom's and all the other people that are mom's and for our kids to treat us even more special. It might look like breakfast in bed, or even just a extra big hug, or a card. My kids were with their daddy in the morning, so I woke up and got on my "church goin" clothes and showed up to my parents church and went with my own mama to let her know how much I love her. We all show it differently. There isn't a whole lot I could do without my mom having some type of influence in one way or another. She is a guide to my in my life and my kids lives. I know she misses her own mom, but I think my sisters and I kept her busy so it didn't hurt as bad.
The whole weekend I had many thoughts about mom's and different kind of mom's. They all come in different shapes and sizes. Step mom's, mother in laws, big sisters that raise their siblings, teachers that spend just as much time and energy as mom's do, best friends, grandma's, aunts, mom's that have lost their kids, mom's who tried to have kids but never could get pregnant, birth mom's that gave up t heir children to adoption, foster mom's, etc... We have to take the time to really thank each type of mother that help raise us in one way or another.
Because of the significants this role plays in my life currently, I want to highlight single mothers in this post. Single mom's to have on magical capes. They are super hero's. They jump in and save their children from the pain that's ahead of them or around the corner. Single mommy's are brave. They take on the world by themselves. They have no shame in that game:) They wear all the hats in the family. They wake up at the crack of dawn so they can not only get themselves ready, but their kids ready for school, make and pack the lunches, throw together some breakfast (even if it's chips-ahoy cookies), yell at the kids to hurry and hurry more, take off down the street just to realize you left kids books for library day, drop them off and head to work and realize you didn't eat breakfast or pack your own lunch! As your stomach is growling, you are working to impress the boss so that you can eventually move up the ladder so that you don't keep making minimum wage and you can keep up with all the other families around... At the end of the work day, head back down to get the kids from school, just so you can wisk them back off to dance and basketball practice. Dinner ends up being Instant Mac & Cheese with a side of yelling at the kids to stop fighting. Cleaning up dinner and trying to help with homework at the same time. Getting kids to settle down while you are folding laundry and you can't find several matching socks.. The struggle is very real. The the mommy's that are fighting to not have that drink of wine before bed, or taking that extra pill to give you a boost, or looking in the mirror and sucking in your gut wishing you looked 30 pounds lighter, or wishing you had a husband to gracefully help you when the water won't drain in the sink, or you can't pay that last bill. There isn't one day that goes as planned, but after the experiences I have had and the trials I have faced, I THANK THE GOOD LORD that those kids are in my care and they choose to be with me, nobody else. When I ask them where they are most comfortable, they say at our home. That is a win. That is what makes it worth it. I always feel a step or two behind but who doesn't? Life is about just staying active and enjoying the ride. Doesn't mean we always do that, but we are trying right? To the mom's that lost their kids in one way or another, my heart was with you yesterday. The pain is overcoming, I can't even begin to imagine. To the mom's that aren't with their kids, I thought about you. To the mom's that never feel enough, you are. Please if you don't do anything different this year before next mother's day, just do this- look in the mirror and love the mom that you are. You are ENOUGH and you deserve a lot more self compassion and forgiveness. Life is hard enough. Go get yourself the Starbucks you've been wanting, go on a hike, take a yoga class, make yourself the dinner you've been wanting tonight (not what your kids want). Put you first. Raise your glass to yourself.
