Saturday, April 21, 2007

Let's be frank..

Well I haven't been posting everything new because I have seriously been miserable. I created an anxiety/panic disorder. I have never not had control over myself until the past week. It began when one night I decided to not take this anxiety pill that I took, so I could sleep... and I was up all night with anxiety that I wouldn't be able to sleep... well 6 days went by and I had anxiety all day and night and didn't get an ounce of sleep. I couldn't imagine why was I was getting this and not able to control my thoughts and heart racing and all that jazz.. I really thought I was going crazy.. still do! The lack of sleep/insomnia caused the anxiety and the anxiety caused the lack of sleep/insomnia. It became an obsession. My mom has always been against prescription medication and she got me thinking that I was going to get well and mentally healthy on my own without taking anything which would be completely ideal ... she was sweet enough to take me and pay for a holistic doctor that is trying to help build up the things I am lacking in my body... however, I think I got into such a black hole - I think I am way too far down to get back up on my own. After many different doctor's visits and crying every day (missing work and having to have someone sit with me and my son all day) - I have finally surrendered after 9 days of this (felt like 2 years) to try something to chemically help my brain figure this all out... my other fear is that I will live on meds my whole life but right now it is about getting to the next day and to get the old Mandy back again where I can take care of my son and husband and function like a human being.... the mind is a very very powerful thing and you don't realize how awful it is when you lose a part of it! I can't stop wondering I have to deal with this.. why this became my battle out of nowhere.
I want to enjoy life again.. sounds ridiculous only after 8-9 days but I can honestly say that that was just a little bit of what hell can be like. I am still fighting the attacks off (every minute of every day and night) until I can get into another doctor on Monday... (with the exception of an anti anxiety pill until I can get something that works better for my body).
I am asking for all prayers :) Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

WARNING! Construction in Isaiah's room...

Isaiah has had the most BLAH room for months now (since we moved into our new place). The walls were like an off white color with tons of marks on it and no personality. I am not saying this is the final product but I at least started the beginning stages of his room having some personality. I was worried about the butter yellow walls but it really brightens up the room. I love it. It is not very often I get the energy and motivation to paint a room... (now I have bathrooms to do).

Isaiah is getting bigger and within 6 months will be into a real bed with his new bedding that will go great with his walls and blue star. Can't wait!