Friday, February 13, 2015

Head in the Sand

I hate to admit this but I've had my head in the sand with many issues in my life. Right now I am facing the debt I have occurred during my divorce and my dark times that I was hiding from. Slowly I've been waking up to many different realities that are tough to face.. but this was one of the last that I've actually faced. When I got a bill and it wasn't an creditor that I have to pay for my day to day living, it was not looked at and immediately thrown away. I couldn't face it. I drowned... When I said I choose to live in last post, this is an example of choosing to live. To live in the present... No more passing things by, the good and the bad. As each bill comes, I am writing the names down, the balance, and all the info I need to see how to pay it. Even if it is $5.00 at a time.  I even got daring enough to look up my credit reports. Immediately I started disputing specific items that are inaccurate or completely not mine or unknown. I even called up an attorney that sent me something from a commissioner and finding out I owe $900. They were going to pass it on as a judgement and possibly garnish my checks.. so what did I do today? I chose to live in the present, face the crap, and find a way to make 1 HUGE payment out of 2 more to pay it off. How am I going to do it all? I don't know. I don't have the answer on how I'm going to financially make this all work. But I know I pulled out my shovel and started digging. Thank the good lord. As much as I am scared, at least I am breathing the fresh air of reality. No longer upside down in the sand kicking my legs...
I am okay.  I am still here. Fighting for my life. Fighting for another day of sobriety, living in reality, and liking who I am in the mirror. I am so grateful for this day. I was able to wake up and make my kids red heart pancakes for Valentine's Day. They are my Valentine's. This year is dedicated to me. I love this person I am striving to become. Still many years of growth but I am walking this line...

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Lost now found...

Many years, heartaches, lessons learned, 1 move, 1 divorce, loss of a job, new dream job, tears, new perspectives LATER.... Yes a lot has happened. Too much for me to ever try to explain, so I have decided to not give up on my blog but to just start up fresh starting today.
Today I am a single, my children are grown all the way to ages 10 and almost 7. (tears and sad face)... I have lost a lot but gained so much perspective and because of the loss, I am finding out who I really am, minus being the wife I once was and the stay at home mother I once was. The pain has been very real and very excruciating from all angles. But the happiness I am finally feeling is very real and coming from all angles. This is all very new, very scary, but very exciting. I have a new found hope that I haven't felt in a long time.
When I say I have lost - I really have. Not just my marriage and my family that I once only knew. But I lost my sense of who I am only to finally find the new me. Among the lost- was my hair. My gorgeous (once taken advantage of) long thick easy going hair. I've always been someone that as much as I didn't want to admit it, was someone that absolutely cared about how I looked. So when I saw I lost many things, it was from a emotional, spiritual, and very physical place. I really understood what it was like to fall apart on the outside at the same time have my health fall apart. If we don't take care of ourselves emotionally, I can physically attest to having it not only show emotionally but have your physical health fall apart along with it. It's all relative. Our emotional health goes hand in hand with our physical health and bodies.  As my hair was falling out, I was told by many people that it was just stress from my divorce. I would wake up with that weird pain you get from "hat hair" or when you have your hair in a ponytail for too long... I also felt like I had a headband on squeezing my head.. One day I woke up to a bald spot the size of quarter and it just got bigger daily. I was in disbelief for so long.  After the many doctor appointments of being told I was crazy, finally I had proof that something physically was wrong with my health. Finally one test came back showing I had Lyme's Disease. It really didn't clarify why I was losing my hair, but it gave me some answers on why I had felt so awful and why certain things were happening.  To this day, no one can give me answers. My hair is slowly coming back in. It's been a long process. Cause it still falls out or doesn't come in all at the same time. I have gone through every phase emotionally. I've spent money on wigs just to realize how much I despise them. I am to the point where I mostly just wear different hats daily. I know most people must think of me as the girl that must have cancer. I thank God every day that I don't. I definitely feel like I didn't appreciate my looks when I had them. Cause among losing my hair, I've lost the confidence I really did have. My eyelashes and eyebrows fell out as well. I am getting my lashes back but not eyebrows yet. I was able to tattoo them but still changes my face. This has been a learning and growing process for sure. The past year has been a time for me to put all the surface stuff that had always been a priority in my life to the side and actually do some changing by focusing on becoming the mother my kids needed me to be. I have never been so present in my kids lives until now. When I am with them, I am WITH THEM. I have enjoyed it so much. I do miss feeling pretty. I really feel like I lost my looks but I have gained SO MUCH. I really dread running into people that knew me before these hard times because almost every time they say they don't recognize me. And it's a huge reminder that I look completely different than I did before. I almost get a look of pity from them. I just try to smile through the pain because I know this has been a time of growth emotionally, physically, and spiritually. As my hair is slowly growing in, I'm also slowly growing finding what makes me happy and what changes I need to make to live the life that I"ll be proud of. So grateful for the changes I've made so far and lessons I've learned... looking forward to many more lessons to be learned. Life is interesting and I choose to live.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Elastic Help

This is kinda random but when I come up with something that I feel is successful, I gotta post to possibly help another mom out.
Being a girl and having a girl, we have elastics EVERYWHERE!! Drives me crazy. I put them in plastic baggy's, thrown in the drawer, in a container, etc... I've tried it all. Most of the time it's too messy or inconvenient when you are in a hurry.
So two different options that work for me...

1. Harness clip. I feel this clip is useful in so many ways. I also use one of these to attach my keys to my purse anytime  I am running errands and I need to put my keys in a spot where it won't make me get down and basically rummage through my big ol purse to try to find my keys while I am in a hurry and I've got screaming kids. Done it 1 million times too many!! Anyway back on the subject of elastics.. this is another use for the clip. It's like a quick dispenser. It also holds a TON of elastics, and all sizes. I push it open and an grab an elastic to use. So easy right? And it looks nice in my usual messy top drawer in my bathroom.

2. Paper towel roll. I use these under my daughters sink in a hair tote. It's so easy for her to go and get an elastic and just roll it off the paper towel roll tube. Doesn't take up too much room and is a great way to organize your elastics!

All in all, I think these are two different efficient ways to organize and store all the many elastics we too often lose or make a mess with in our bathrooms.

Now onto different ways to organize all the other items in my bathroom drawers... 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Birthday Girl

Happy 4th Birthday to London Grace. 
There is so many things that she does in our family to complete it. She is the most stubborn person in the family for sure. Isaiah always says, "London gets everything she wants if she whines." Hate to admit that. She loves to act like a gremlin. If she plays house or dress up, she always shuts her door so no one can watch her, she is shy like that. She has to dip everything she eats, even her chew able vitamin. I think her favorite food really is ranch or ketchup. She is sensitive yet a tough cookie and will physically fight her brother. She wins every fight with her screaming every battle. She loves to shop with her mama. Loves to lay down with daddy because she says she feels safe. She loves to watch me do makeup. Every person that babysits her says she is the best and easiest child to babysit. If she has to throw up, she tries really hard to just keep it in her mouth until she makes it to the toilet (she started this by age 2). She loves her sleep and gets irritated when waken up. On everyone's birthday, I make them breakfast in bed and walk in with a candle in it and wake them up by singing happy birthday with the rest of the family (family tradition passed on from my mom). As we did it this year with London, she was so upset that we woke her up that she screamed at us and told us to get out. She went back to sleep! So Isaiah ate her waffle with the candle in it. LOL. FAIL. Yesterday she said, "Mom I'm not shy with guys anymore, just girls." uh oh. FAIL. She barely talks to any stranger and yet on her birthday, everywhere we went she told everyone it was her birthday. Thought it was so cute!
We love our London. Can't believe she is the big 4! 

20 questions* : answered by London

1. What is your favorite color? Pink, I mean black.
2. What is your favorite toy? Ariel
3. What is your favorite fruit? bananas
4. What is your favorite tv show? Yo Gabba Gabba. It's funny, those guys and girls there mouth doesn't move.
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Chocolate milk and corn dogs and cereal (lol).
6. What is your favorite outfit? Any dress.
7. What is your favorite game? Princess game on Leapster.
8. What is your favorite snack? fruit snacks
9. What is your favorite animal? A giraffe. Because their necks are so long.
10. What is your favorite song? Twinkle, twinkle little star.
11. What is your favorite book? Barbie book that has opposites and colors to open.
12. Who is your best friend? Isaiah (oh how sweet).
13. What is your favorite cereal? Lucky Charms.
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? jump on the trampoline.
15. What is your favorite drink? chocolate milk and root beer.
16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas.
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? my new teddy bear from my birthday.
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? cereal.
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? chicken and rice.
20. What do you want to be when you grow up? a mermaid. :) 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

to my kids

My two little sweethearts,

Mama had an overwhelming emotion tonight that came over me and all I wanted to do was go in your room's and wake both of you up and give you lots of loves and tell you how much you make my life a happy place to be in. I am so lucky that somehow someway your dad and I received you into this family. Each one of your silly personalities fit in so perfectly and continue to surprise me.
Isaiah bud, tonight I watched you and what a funny old soul you are and I'm so proud to call you mine. You definitely will live your life with lots of laughs. Laughing is an important part of happiness. Don't ever stop laughing and finding a way to pick all the humor in all things. One thing that brought me close to your daddy was how much we laughed together.  One time we took a trip before we were married and I think we might have laughed the entire time we were gone. I remember it being one of the best times of my life! You inspire me so much and you are only 7 years old. I can't imagine all the many things you will be capable of when you are 20. Thank you for always being a gentleman and always treat girls as if they were all princesses. Thank you for loving your sister and always holding her hand to make sure she is taken care of. You have taken on the role as "big brother" so well and I look forward to watching your relationship with your sister grow as you two become adults. You have so many strength's but one of your biggest strength's is finding a friend everywhere you go, doesn't matter their age or gender, you will find something in common somehow and make friends. Don't ever stop that. As you get older you will learn how important it is to be kind and gentle to everyone, you never know what day they had or what they have been through. There isn't anything you could not do. I'm thankful to have you as my son and my best pal.
Londies, my quiet shy child that I love to kiss. What would I do without my best girlfriend? At 3 years old I can enjoy a day shopping, getting our nails done, going to lunch with you! I'm so lucky. I love to hear your opinions already at such a young age. There isn't a day go by that I don't look at how beautiful you are. Your eyes and eyelashes kill me every time you blink! You will never have a problem in the looks department, that's for sure but one huge thing that I want you to always remember is that being beautiful isn't the most important thing as you grow up and live your life. I want you to love who you are without looking in the mirror. I want your happiness to come from who you are, not what you are or how you look. Life is too short. This will be hard to do because the world's standards go against what I am saying but just trust your mama. I've wasted a lot of years trying to figure this out and don't want you to do the same thing. Your validation should never come from another person, only yourself and the man upstairs. You are such a great baby sister. You always make sure your brother gets a treat if you get one. And there isn't a day that goes by that you don't make sure he gets a kiss and an "I love you Isaiah" before he rushes off to school in the morning. Nothing makes a mommy prouder than to hear that. One thing I love about you is your silliness. You find the "silly" in everything and I laugh every time you point it out. Please don't ever stop that, being silly is fun and carefree and that's the way to live your life especially when you go through trials that come your way. Find that passion in something that makes you happy and go for it. You have so many talented and creative people on both sides of the family, there isn't anything you couldn't do! Just remember that when mommy watches you twirl at 3 years old, I'm loving every second of it. You have made my dreams come true and I have found my meaning in life through you and your brother.
Please continue to be patient with me. I still have a lot to learn being your mommy but you have definitely made it easy for me to stick with it and never give up. You are two of the most important people in my life (along with daddy) and when you are sad, I'm sad. When I see you happy, that makes me happy. I look forward to watching all the many things you both will do throughout your young innocent lives. Thanks for letting me your biggest fan in all that you do. When I mess up, please don't give up on me. I'll never stop trying to do better.

Love you forever & always-

Friday, February 10, 2012

play. play. more play

I love this film strip of them together. Always silly... 

London wrote a letter to Princess Ariel:

She also likes to have tea parties with her stuffed animals.. too die for!!! 

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Utah's Most Eligible Bachelor

I am about to introduce to you one of Utah's most eligible Bachelor, Aaron Fluhman. If you don't know him, you are missing out. He is an amazing friend of ours and we are spotlighting him because he deserves a beautiful, smart, witty, lovable woman in his life. He has too many great qualities to pass up on. He is what we call my "2nd" husband because he helps me in ways Jake can't (keep it clean people). He takes out my trash when I need him to and he is an amazing uncle to my kiddos. I grabbed some photos I had of him throughout a few years and thought I would throw this out there cause I want nothing more than to show off our friend that is dear to our hearts and find him his future girlfriend or wife. I know many of you that see this must know of a single girl or single mom in your lives that think this would be a good match or even just friends. It's all about who you know! :) If you are interested in getting his information or have a question, message me or leave a comment!

Until then, let's find this man a woman!