Saturday, April 21, 2007

Let's be frank..

Well I haven't been posting everything new because I have seriously been miserable. I created an anxiety/panic disorder. I have never not had control over myself until the past week. It began when one night I decided to not take this anxiety pill that I took, so I could sleep... and I was up all night with anxiety that I wouldn't be able to sleep... well 6 days went by and I had anxiety all day and night and didn't get an ounce of sleep. I couldn't imagine why was I was getting this and not able to control my thoughts and heart racing and all that jazz.. I really thought I was going crazy.. still do! The lack of sleep/insomnia caused the anxiety and the anxiety caused the lack of sleep/insomnia. It became an obsession. My mom has always been against prescription medication and she got me thinking that I was going to get well and mentally healthy on my own without taking anything which would be completely ideal ... she was sweet enough to take me and pay for a holistic doctor that is trying to help build up the things I am lacking in my body... however, I think I got into such a black hole - I think I am way too far down to get back up on my own. After many different doctor's visits and crying every day (missing work and having to have someone sit with me and my son all day) - I have finally surrendered after 9 days of this (felt like 2 years) to try something to chemically help my brain figure this all out... my other fear is that I will live on meds my whole life but right now it is about getting to the next day and to get the old Mandy back again where I can take care of my son and husband and function like a human being.... the mind is a very very powerful thing and you don't realize how awful it is when you lose a part of it! I can't stop wondering I have to deal with this.. why this became my battle out of nowhere.
I want to enjoy life again.. sounds ridiculous only after 8-9 days but I can honestly say that that was just a little bit of what hell can be like. I am still fighting the attacks off (every minute of every day and night) until I can get into another doctor on Monday... (with the exception of an anti anxiety pill until I can get something that works better for my body).
I am asking for all prayers :) Have a great weekend!

11 comments:

Amy (Daisy) said...

Mandy -- first of all ((Hugs)) I'm so sorry you're in this black hole. :( But, good that you're trying something chemically to see if it works. Take care of yourself. :)

Stephanie said...

I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I too have been there. My mom was against me using meds. But, I have to tell you that for me it saved my life. Some people have a low seritonin level and meds will help balance it out. Society wouldn't deny someone their diabetic meds or blood pressure meds, so please don't feel like this is any different.

I know how hard it is to do something for yourself, especially when your mom, the one who is suppose to care for you, is totally against meds.

I will be thinking and praying that you will find peace and comfort at this time.
-Stephanie (snwht2002 from MC)

Brandi said...

Mandy, I am so sorry that you are going threw this. I believe that everybody is different, and if you need the chemicals to help you get better, then I thik that is great. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Laura Huston said...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers Mandy!

Andrea said...

Hope you can get feeling better really soon...I hope you can get something that will work well for you!

michelle said...

I hope that things start looking up. I am sorry you have had to go thru this time. Momaz, or Michelle from MC

ivygirl said...

gosh mandy i am so sorry...

I just have to say i suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and even though it sucks taking pills everyday and some days i dont want to, its much better than having the attacks and not being able to sleep . I can function and i feel better and for that i had to come to terms with the possibility of always being on medication... I had to get out of denial and realize that these pills help ME... They may not fly with other ppl but other ppl dont have to live their life in my shoes...

Your in my prayers i hope you can get some help...

Schwendi said...

Mandy, I'm glad to have decided to go back on meds. I am a life time med taker...I have an anxiety disorder and asked my dr. just yesterday when I would get to go off my meds. He said never. I hope you start feeling better soon. Get a blessing if you can. Hugs-Rachel (raschwendiman from MC)

manda carol said...

Mandy, I can relate. I have been feeling so "off" lately and while mine isn't so much anxiety it is the same feeling of feeling like your emotions are completely out of control and feeling so frustrated and helpless and for me hopeless. I'm waiting to see my doc to talk to her b/c I think mine is related to the pregnancy. Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that I'm one of many of your MC sisters that are rooting for you. Hope you continue to feel better and get the help and support you need.

Manda

Megan said...

miss mandy, i pray that you start feeling better, and that the sun shines down on you! dont worry about what others may say, it is important that you start feeling better, and that you begin to love life!

let us know if we can do ANYTHING to help out! you are a great lady!

~miss_megs from MC

Emily Loria said...

Mandy,
You don't know me, but I blog surf sometimes and comment on other peoples blogs... which I am sure you think is bizarre, but anywho-- I too have suffered from Anxiety, obsessive thoughts feeling like I was in a black hole and the sort. (A dr. once said it was a form of OCD.) I took medication for years, just feeling so guilty for doing so, but it helped me so much, and now 7 and a half years later, I have been off for 2 years. I still keep a little bottle in my medicine cabinet, it is my security blanket, but I too went through trying to tough it out and just have it get worse. I hope you start to feel better soon. It's so rough when it gets that bad. Just take it a day at a time.
www.loriafamilydialogues.blogspot.com