Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Lost now found...

Many years, heartaches, lessons learned, 1 move, 1 divorce, loss of a job, new dream job, tears, new perspectives LATER.... Yes a lot has happened. Too much for me to ever try to explain, so I have decided to not give up on my blog but to just start up fresh starting today.
Today I am a single, my children are grown all the way to ages 10 and almost 7. (tears and sad face)... I have lost a lot but gained so much perspective and because of the loss, I am finding out who I really am, minus being the wife I once was and the stay at home mother I once was. The pain has been very real and very excruciating from all angles. But the happiness I am finally feeling is very real and coming from all angles. This is all very new, very scary, but very exciting. I have a new found hope that I haven't felt in a long time.
When I say I have lost - I really have. Not just my marriage and my family that I once only knew. But I lost my sense of who I am only to finally find the new me. Among the lost- was my hair. My gorgeous (once taken advantage of) long thick easy going hair. I've always been someone that as much as I didn't want to admit it, was someone that absolutely cared about how I looked. So when I saw I lost many things, it was from a emotional, spiritual, and very physical place. I really understood what it was like to fall apart on the outside at the same time have my health fall apart. If we don't take care of ourselves emotionally, I can physically attest to having it not only show emotionally but have your physical health fall apart along with it. It's all relative. Our emotional health goes hand in hand with our physical health and bodies.  As my hair was falling out, I was told by many people that it was just stress from my divorce. I would wake up with that weird pain you get from "hat hair" or when you have your hair in a ponytail for too long... I also felt like I had a headband on squeezing my head.. One day I woke up to a bald spot the size of quarter and it just got bigger daily. I was in disbelief for so long.  After the many doctor appointments of being told I was crazy, finally I had proof that something physically was wrong with my health. Finally one test came back showing I had Lyme's Disease. It really didn't clarify why I was losing my hair, but it gave me some answers on why I had felt so awful and why certain things were happening.  To this day, no one can give me answers. My hair is slowly coming back in. It's been a long process. Cause it still falls out or doesn't come in all at the same time. I have gone through every phase emotionally. I've spent money on wigs just to realize how much I despise them. I am to the point where I mostly just wear different hats daily. I know most people must think of me as the girl that must have cancer. I thank God every day that I don't. I definitely feel like I didn't appreciate my looks when I had them. Cause among losing my hair, I've lost the confidence I really did have. My eyelashes and eyebrows fell out as well. I am getting my lashes back but not eyebrows yet. I was able to tattoo them but still changes my face. This has been a learning and growing process for sure. The past year has been a time for me to put all the surface stuff that had always been a priority in my life to the side and actually do some changing by focusing on becoming the mother my kids needed me to be. I have never been so present in my kids lives until now. When I am with them, I am WITH THEM. I have enjoyed it so much. I do miss feeling pretty. I really feel like I lost my looks but I have gained SO MUCH. I really dread running into people that knew me before these hard times because almost every time they say they don't recognize me. And it's a huge reminder that I look completely different than I did before. I almost get a look of pity from them. I just try to smile through the pain because I know this has been a time of growth emotionally, physically, and spiritually. As my hair is slowly growing in, I'm also slowly growing finding what makes me happy and what changes I need to make to live the life that I"ll be proud of. So grateful for the changes I've made so far and lessons I've learned... looking forward to many more lessons to be learned. Life is interesting and I choose to live.

2 comments:

Jessica said...

You're awesome! I love your strength and honesty! What a great read to start my day.

shanna keith said...

I'm proud of you, my brave friend!!